From the opening scene of this film there are such heavy echoes of Snow Dogs that you begin to seriously worry for Cuba Gooding Jr.'s mental health. Does he read scripts anymore? This abysmally unfunny "romp" is so forced and strained that it's painful to watch. It was also quite obviously NOT filmed in the Caribbean, but rather in Germany and Greece.

Gooding stars as Jerry (oh, please don't remind us about the Oscar!), a guy in a deep funk after his sassy girlfriend (Vivica A Fox) dumps him. So to cheer him up, his best pal Nick (Horatio Sanz) books them on a Caribbean cruise to meet girls. But an angry travel agent (a cameo from Will Ferrell) puts them on a ship full of gay men and the hilarity begins, as Jerry falls for the only woman on board (Roselyn Sanchez - a Latina Sandra Bullock) and Nick begins to question his sexuality when an old queen (Roger Moore, yes really) sets his sights on him. Then the Swedish Bikini Tanning Team comes aboard and things get even more uproarious.

If only. The script features more smutty innuendo than is humanly positive, only just managing to avoid being offensive by staying profoundly silly and ignorant. Everything is broad and obvious, from the gay stereotypes to the buxom bimbos to the "manly" tanning team coach (Lin Shaye). It feels written by and for boob-obsessed idiots who have never met a normal gay guy in their lives, then someone inserts a schmaltzy "homosexuals are people too" scene to try to make amends. Meanwhile, the entire cast hams its way through the story shamefully, with non-stop cheeriness and forced smiles that look like they hurt.

And it all cranks up to the predictably zany wedding scene, complete with a priest who's losing his faith, a row full of flaming poofs and a tuxedoed dog (who easily gives the best performance). Then there are two more endings beyond that, trying to be funny and silly and romantic and failing on every count. If only it had been a North Atlantic cruise, with an iceberg lurking in the mist, and Celine wailing in the distance...